It dawned on me today that it is 3 weeks until my 29th birthday. This worries me. I’ve never really been one to go all out on my birthday and now I’m creeping towards 30, even less so. Of course my friends want me to celebrate it but I have to admit, I don’t really feel like I have a lot to celebrate at the moment. I’ve dug out this photo of me on my 1st birthday, spent in Seaview on the Isle of Wight with my family.. don’t laugh. I was right a baldy !!!
Note how grumpy I look though. This is a general birthday look that has stayed with me throughout the years.
Last year, I had a wonderful birthday with close friends in Camden. I can tell you now, it was wonderful not only because all of my closest friends were present but also because I was blind drunk and at home in bed by 11.30pm. Rock n roll! To be fair, I remember that as being the first time I had been able to go out in ages because my back had been so bad in the months leading up to it. Standard.
You’ll see from these photos I was quite away with the fairies, and I am thankful for the photos, else I wouldn’t have known what went on! I blame the Jägermeister!
Anyway, back to my original ramblings. The reason I am so fearful of my birthday this year is simply because I feel like I have achieved nothing. A lot of people say to me, ‘Oh but you’re only going to be 29!’ but sometimes that is hard to compute when I feel like I have the body of a 90-year-old. Even my rheumatologist comments on how I carry myself like an OAP!
And naturally it’s stirring up feelings of being on my own. I always imagined I’d be married with babies by the time I was 25. Ok, admittedly this is when I was 10 years old. And I don’t particularly want to get married (ever) or have babies (not sure) but the older I get, the more I worry that I won’t have the choice. I have been single for a couple of years now. I’ve spent the last 3 years working on myself, chasing a diagnosis for my back and sitting in waiting rooms. I can assure you I’ll never find ‘the one’ in a waiting room as I don’t really fancy men over the age of 75. Such a shame! But then I also have this feeling of how can someone else want me when I don’t really want myself at the moment? I know I need to kick this attitude in the butt and I hope once I start the Anti-TNF treatment, things will start to look up.
In the meantime, if you have any single friends, preferably tall, dark and handsome (with tattoos!) then send them my way. Just please don’t tell them I have Ankylosing Spondylitis!